Archive for the ‘weight loss’ Category

This month I’m on an exercise kick. It’s about time that I shed all those unsightly pounds that have been piling up for the past ten years or more. Whatever happened to that sylph-like figure of yore? [yore kidding me right?]. I think the weight went on in inverse proportion to the sagging of my various bits [not to mention tits] and the lines that suddenly appeared on my face from out of nowhere. Don’t look now but some old lady has taken to following me around and appearing in my bathroom mirror early in the mornings. I don’t know who she is but I wish she would bugger off and be replaced by Catherine Deneuve.


Getting old is depressing enough but have you noticed that time accelerates in direct proportion to your age? Rather like the way time behaves when you’ve had a few drinks too many. One minute you’re standing at the bar talking to some blurry looking person and then they’ve gone to the loo only to return again nanoseconds later. How do they do that? It is my theory that time behaves the same way on weekends. It’s Friday night and then it’s Monday morning – woosh! I always wanted to expound my theories on the relativity of time to Einstein but unfortunately he went to that particle accelerator in the sky before I could tell him [still wearing the same suit no doubt].


Anyway – exercise I was talking about. I bought myself a nice new treadmill to put out in the sunroom so that I can commune with nature. With the windows thrown open I can hear the birdies coughing outside and they can hear me gasping inside. I gave up on The Gym primarily because 1. It’s expensive and 2. It’s inhabited by these buff young health freaks with rippling biceps and bulging muscles – and that’s just the girls. They all have bum cheeks they could crack walnuts with and they are all so perky. I hate perky. When you pull up to the drive-through at 7am in the morning for a double double expresso mocha just to get your heart started the very last thing you want is to be greeted by some young thing full of the joys of spring – don’t you agree? Be honest – haven’t you entertained thoughts of mashing your Boston Cream up her nose if it would just wipe that smug smile off her face?


But I digress. Exercise is good for you, exercise will melt off those unsightly pounds, exercise will prolong your life – or perhaps it will just feel like it. That’s another thing about health-clubs, they will insist on weighing you and wrapping you in blood pressure cuffs before they bring out this disgusting wobbly yellow thing and show you what a pound of ugly fat actually looks like… Then they enroll you in the kick-boxing class, the rowing clinic, the aerobics 40 minute work-out and Tai-Bo With Bruno and leave you to it – all guaranteed to bring on cardiac arrest within minutes but at least you’ll look better when they display you at the funeral parlor. “Oooh doesn’t she look wonderful”, relatives will coo over your dead, but firm, body.


The depressing thing is that fitness and health takes so bloody long. Why can’t you just run about for a few minutes and then shove off down to the pizza parlor for a well-deserved double cheese with stuffed crust washed down with a Coke? Life is so unfair.


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