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Archive for the ‘bad drivers’ Category

 

Got any peeves? I have – quite a few in fact. The other day I was driving to the store and somewhere along the way had to make a left hand turn [in Canada we drive on the right unlike all you Brits who just drive on the left to confuse invading armies and confound Americans]. This operation requires that you pull out into the middle of the road – wait for oncoming traffic to blast by you rattling your teeth and your windows and then turn to your left into the opposing left hand or ‘overtaking’ lane before moving over sedately into the right-hand lane, a block or so up the road, so all the speeders can zoom by you. You know the ones – they have cell-phones permanently glued to their ears on the one hand and a hot coffee in the other hand. Somehow they also manage to blast you on the horn while giving you the finger as well. How they do that I’m not sure but I’m not going to go there.

 

Well, there I was, making my left turn and waiting patiently for the oncoming traffic to roar off over the horizon. A perfect model of road safety and decorum, that’s me. Just as I determined that the road was clear and started making my turn someone else, cell-phone glued to ear, coffee in hand, zoomed up to me, and turned left on my inside before I could even splutter out all four letters of my favourite expletive and choke back my shock and outrage. Honestly – some people! I almost spilled my Jumbo Coke. Haven’t you ever wished that it was legal to carry a paint-ball gun with you on every trip to be used on abusive drivers, tail-gators and road hogs? I think it would be a great idea personally. The next time someone tries to muscle you off the road and into the ditch just lean out and give them one – SPLAT – right between the headlights.

 

My other idea is to have a scrolling LED screen running across my rear window with preprogrammed sayings such as “If you get much closer you’re gonna have to marry me” or “If you get much closer you’re gonna be in front of me and I’ll be tailgating you!”. Or just “Why don’t you just flock off and die you stupid flocking oaf!” [my personal favourite – but cleaned up for public consumption].

 

Other pet peeves, people who spit on the sidewalk – that drives me insane. Where’s my paintball gun! Arrrgh! People who eat with their mouth open and talk at the same time. People who talk while eating a Whopper so that you have no clue what they’re saying; comes out as “gurgle, grompf, splat, garrr”. They are either calling for someone to give them the Heimlich because they’re choking on all that disgusting fatty sausage or they’re swearing in Klingon – it’s hard to be sure. People who chew gum and talk at the same time or – worse – chew gum and snap it – or much worse, chew gum and pull it out of the mouth in a long string and then chew it back in again. Scream!

 

Then there are people who never wear deodorant but insist on standing right next to you on the bus. Haven’t they noticed the flies falling out of the sky and the flowers wilting as they pass by? Do they think it’s some other disgusting person not them? Were they recently in some war where they got their noses shot off? How can they stand themselves? What about the rest of the family – do they all pong to high heaven so that no-one notices the aroma coming off dad – who is usually wearing a sleeveless shirt that also displays his hairy armpits. I’m sure he’s probably hairy all over as well – back, front, sides, bum, willy. He probably thinks a wax job is something you do to your car or perhaps, in his wildest moments, something you do in the bedroom.

 

I don’t know about the rest of the world but here in Canada, and probably in the southern states of America, there are women, long past the age – and the weight – when such a thing might be possible, who think the height of elegance is to wear stretchy faded halter-tops and spandex shorts around the supermarket. You’ve seen them I’m sure – saggy boobs hanging out the sides, varicose veins prominently displayed, wailing kids straggling along behind with a dirty soother or dummy stuck in the mouth. Now that really drives me nuts – kids over the age of two sucking on a dummy [pacifier] – it’s even worse than the sight of a six year old sucking on a finger – but not as bad as seeing some mother actually *licking* the dummy before sticking it in poor baby’s mouth. Arrrgh.

 

Other peeves, young guys who wear their pants pulled down below the crotch so that they have to waddle to walk, women with tattoos and black bra straps showing beneath a white tank, women who have tattoos in the crack of the bum peaking over their ‘low rider’ jeans, women with tattoos anywhere. Haven’t they considered what they’ll look like when they’re in the old folks home gumming down their porridge? What about women wearing those belly shirts that make even the thinnest of the thin look fat? Men walking around downtown with no shirt on and a body that only a slug could be proud of. Men who have to keep adjusting their willies as they walk about in public. What’s with all this adjustment? Does it move around all by itself? Are they all ‘going commando’ and things are a little itchy down there?

 

And then of course there’s the usual peeves, people who talk all through the film – shout out daft remarks in the theatre, happily sit back and watch ‘Little Timmy’ go through your house like a wrecking ball, don’t pick up pet poo in parks [hey – some alliteration – I always wanted to use that word] and of course people who lean over you to get something off a shelf and stick their armpits in your face and those who have never heard of saying ‘Please’ or ‘Thanks’ or ‘Excuse Me’.

 

Hrrrumph – I may have to go and lay down for a bit at the very thought of all this. Feel free to share your pet peeves. I look forward to it so long as you’re not scratching yourself while you’re doing it…

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